


The Basement Of The Soul

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-23
Updated: 1999-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-10 18:36:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived atDue South Archive. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onDue South Archive collection profile.





	The Basement Of The Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Basement Of The Soul
    
    
     Hi!
    I've written a rather lengthy story called IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL
    I wrote this story to help fill in Ray's past.  One of my all time favorite
    DUE SOUTH episodes is THE DEAL. I remember watching it last season and
    wanting to know more about Ray's childhood and reason(s) for his becoming
    a cop and why he's hiding his generous, loyal, good-heart behind all
    that sarcasm and cynicism.  We've been given teasers into his past, introduced
    to some of his family and given some information about his relationship
    with his father through a few episodes.  
    -  In the pilot episode he tells Fraser something like "... if it was
    my old man, I'd be the last person he'd want on the case.  He pretty
    much thought I'd screwed up everything I ever touched.  Ya know he's
    been dead for 5 years and I still feel like I'm trying to prove myself
    to him." 
    
    -  In the Pilot episode, THEY EAT HORSES DON'T THEY?, VICTORIA'S SECRET
    and a few other episodes with primarily just his sister Francesca representing
    his family in them we get to see a glimpse into Ray's family life.
    
    -  In HAWK AND A HANDSAW, when Ray is talking to Fraser about his police
    psychological review he mentions having a brother he used to take baths
    with.  Never heard more about his having a brother again after this.
    
    -  In VICTORIA'S SECRET Ray shares some more about his father with Fraser.
    Ray has Fraser help him bring his father's old pool table up from the
    basement and into the dining room when the rest of the Vecchio's have
    gone on vacation.  He tells Fraser that as a kid he used to go fetch
    his father for dinner from Finelli's and would secretly watch him play
    pool.  He admiringly tells Fraser about his memories of his father's
    pool playing.  Summing up his comments in that regard to:  "He was a
    lousy father, but boy could he play pool."  In this same episode we even
    get an appearance from his ghost dad who's dogging/nagging him at the
    precinct for putting the Vecchio house up as collateral for Fraser's
    bail money.  Ray's ghost dad comments something like his being in purgatory
    and "...to pay for my sins, I get to watch you make stupid mistakes."
    
    -  In NORTH ghost dad reappears and again we see Ray isn't too fond of
    his pop.  He's got alot of unresolved anger and bitterness towards his
    father.  His father comes across as sarcastic and out for just himself
    (tells Ray to do so as well).  In this episode Ray tells a story to Fraser
    about wanting to camp with his father and his father agreeing to it,
    then disappointing an enthusiastic young Ray when he forgets about it
    and never does.  Kind of helps sum up what kind of man he was as a father/his
    relationship with Ray.  Also in this episode you find out that Ray's
    ghost dad thinks Fraser is 'looney tunes' and wants Ray to ditch him.
    
    -  Then there's THE DEAL.  I recall Frankie says something like "We have
    a history", in regards to Ray.  This 'history'  intrigued and inspired
    me to write this story.  See if you can spot the whole scene of dialogue
    I borrowed from this episode for a piece of this story.:->  Ray's hatred/anger
    at Zuko and the guilt at not trying to stop/help a childhood friend Marco
    from getting beaten up badly by Frankie just begged for more explanation
    as well. 
    
    -  I was thrilled when they made JULIET IS BLEEDING as a sequel to THE
    DEAL.  It gave us more background on Ray and Frankie's past 'history'.
    What a wonderful twist it was to find out Frankie's sister Irene had
    been Ray's childhood sweetheart and he still loves her even as an adult.
    Again see if you can spot a whole scene of dialogue I borrowed from this
    episode.;-> 
    
    -  Then there's a more recent episode - (was it WHITE MEN, the episode
    about basketball?) - that had Ray introducing Fraser to a barber, (played
    by older comedian Alan King), who is a bookie on the side.  The barber
    is surprised to see a grown up very thin Ray.  He recalls to them both
    how Ray was a chubby kid that liked sweets (kind of like Diefenbaker)
    and used to come into the barber shop with his father.
    
    I've tried to weave a history that would link these episode's teasers,
    hints and some of the characters from Ray's past into this story.  I
    hope I've done him justice.  I've got a list of warnings:
    
    1.  This does have hurt/comfort.
    2.  This does involve m/m.  But nothing graphicly depicted.
    3.  This does involve violent subject matter, but after the fact or not
    in highly graphic/gory detail, such as:  child molestation, child
    mental/physical abuse and child against child physical abuse.
    4.  This does have m/f sexual content.
    5.  This will cause eyestrain.  Its the longest story I've written to
    date.  It comes out as 34 pages on my PC.
    6.  This is yet another heavy depressing story I've written.
    7.  This does have sap in it.
    8.  This is primarily a Ray story.  Fraser is in it, but the story centers
    around Ray and his past sneaking up on him.
    9.  This is a story that was only read and editted by me so far, so bear
    that in mind when reading.  I'm hoping you all can help me out with the
    comments, suggestions and editting advice.;->
    10. There are spoilers for THE DEAL and JULIET IS BLEEDING throughout.
    11. There is an Epilogue and an Epilogue's Epilogue included within the
    9 parts of this story.  I'm considering separating them out and letting
    them stand alone as stories by themselves???  The first epilogue to be
    called GHOST OF A FEELING and the other DEEPER IN THE BASEMENT OF THE
    SOUL???  I just can't resist epilogues. 
    
    This is probably a good time for me to shut up and let you start reading
    IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL, but not before I say this: I dedicate this
    story to all my fellow Ray fans out here. 
    Dsrvbf@aol.com 

# IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SOUL
    
    
    The basement always bothered him in the big old house the
    Vecchio's lived in - it was dark even with the lights on;
    always damp and cold even when it wasn't outside and smelled
    funny like something musty or decaying.  His father had
    picked on him for his fear of the basement when he'd found
    out about it, calling him a coward - a baby.  That really
    hurt, because afterall he was almost 11 years old now.
    There were other reasons he hated it down here, but he
    couldn't tell anyone - especially his father - the dreadful
    secret why.
    
    He had to go down there now, but was debating whether or not
    it was really worth it.  His younger sister Maria had
    borrowed his baseball glove a few days ago to play softball
    with a couple of her friends.  He magnanimously lent it to
    her, but now Joey and Marco wanted to play ball with him, so
    he needed it back.  He took a quick breath of courage and
    headed down the cellar stairs.  "Hey Maria, I know you're
    down here.  I saw you.  I want my glove back.  I know you
    still have it."  She wasn't answering him.  "Come on, I
    don't want to play hide-and-seek.  If you don't give it back
    to me I'll tell Cesspool where you keep your Barbie dolls.
    She'll probably give them haircuts like she did your Talking
    Tina."  That ought to get her out in the open he thought
    smugly to himself, using his secret weapon Francesca was
    always a good strategy to pull on Maria when he wanted
    something.
    
    At the bottom of the steps now, he noticed light seeping out
    from the small opening under the laundry room door.
    Cautiously he headed over to the hated room and what it
    represented; it wasn't a clean room at all.  Partially
    opening the door he managed to make himself enter it but
    just barely.  What he saw chilled and terrified him, rooting
    him to the spot.  The back of the monster in the basement
    was to him leaning over a wide eyed and confused 7 year old
    Maria, who's mouth was covered by a large adult hand.  Ray
    swallowed hard and found his voice.  "LEAVE HER ALONE!!!
    You promised me you'd leave her alone.  I did what you
    wanted.  You promised!"
    
    He was thankful to see that they were both still fully
    clothed as he slowly approached his sister and the hated
    man, angry and fearful at the same time.  "Hello Raymondo.
    You've been avoiding me.  I was beginning to feel hurt."
    Ray closed his eyes briefly and gulped.  *Oh god, its my
    fault.  He has Maria here because of me.* his sense of
    worthlessness kicked in and berated him.  His mind was
    racing as he tried to think of a way to get Maria out of
    here, he came up with a solution, but it made his stomach
    turn.  "Leave her alone and I'll do what you want.  That's
    the promise."  That hated face turned to him. "Oh how noble
    Raymondo.  I knew I liked you best.  You're always such a
    good boy.  Ok.  But I want to hear you say 'please' first.
    Your parents taught you better than that.  Where are your
    manners?"  The taunting words disgusted him, but he kept his
    mouth from saying anything that would jeopardize Maria's
    release from the nearness of the hell he was already well
    into.  "Please." his scared voice tried to sound strong and
    sincere.
    
    The hand came away from Maria's mouth and the other hand
    fell away from her arm.  "See.  I'm keeping my promise...
    you'll have to keep your's now."  Maria looked over at her
    big brother with childlike puzzlement on her face. "Ray
    what's goin' on?"  Ray smiled at his sister pretending
    nothing was wrong. "Just go upstairs Maria.  Uncle Vinnie's
    just playin' a game with us.  But you're too young to play.
    And you wouldn't like it anyway.  I'll be up in a little
    while to get my baseball glove.  Go find it for me ok?"  She
    smiled innocently at him with a trust and love that touched
    him. "Ok Ray.", she said blissfully ignorant of what almost
    took place and was about to happen.  Ray startled at the
    sound of the laundry room door closing behind him as she
    left, then a hand was at his arm, pulling him towards a
    nightmare he wished he could wake from.  He shut a part of
    himself off mentally to spare him from what he was about to
    endure, as the monster in the basement claimed him once
    more.
    
    "Stop!  Please stop!  I don't want to." he cried out.  A
    hand grasped him on the arm, "Ray!".  The arm was violently
    grabbed and twisted as Ray sprang up from his slumped
    sleeping position in the Riv alarmingly fast, but not quite
    out of his dreamworld state.  "Ray wake up!  Wake up Ray!
    You're hurting me!"  Blinking his eyes a couple of times Ray
    realized he had his best friend's hand in an awkward and
    painful grip, seeing the strained look on Fraser's face he
    immediately released it.  He breathed out. "Oh god Benny I'm
    sorry.  Are you ok?"  Ben's concerned face
    looked over at him sympathetically, as he moved his arm and
    wrist around to bring it back to normal. "I'll live.  But
    the question 'Are you ok?' is really for you."  Ray forced a
    smile and nonchalance he didn't feel. "Yeah sure.  Its
    nothin'."  A gentle hand reached over to wipe at the wetness
    on Ray's cheek left over from the nightmare.  Showing the
    evidence of the 'nothing' to Ray, he replied. "Oh I can see
    that Ray."
    
    Ray scrubbed at his face and eyes, snapping at his friend
    harshly. "Leave it alone Fraser.  Ok?  You're always butting
    into my life.  Don't you know when to quit?  Like right now
    would be a good time."  Fraser's sad blue eyes reflected the
    hurt he felt at Ray's rebuke.  "I'm your friend Ray.  I only
    want to help."  Ray still cranky and defensive replied.
    "Well help someone else.  I don't need your help.  I'm outta
    here.  This stake-out is a bust.  I can't believe I let you
    con me into watching this shoe store waiting for thieves or
    elves with foot fetishes.  That's not my department.  What
    was I thinkin'?"  He started up the engine of the Riv,
    driving quickly away from the curb heading towards Fraser's
    apartment.  Fraser, who was hurt at being treated this way
    by someone who up until a couple of minutes ago he thought
    was his closest friend, spoke. "Ray I'm sorry for being such
    a bother to you.  Don't worry I'll butt out from now on."
    Ray flippantly replied back. "You do that Fraser."  The rest
    of the ride over to Fraser's apartment they didn't say
    anything more.  Ray pulled up to the front of the building
    and they said their terse good-byes, Fraser fearing this
    could be the final good-bye to end their friendship.  Ray
    sped away from the mountie, who was still standing on the
    sidewalk with Dief beside him, staring worriedly after his
    departing friend.
    
    As Ray drove away, he could see Fraser watching after him in
    the rear-view mirror, his thoughts drifted back to another
    person he'd once considered a friend.  The nightmare he'd
    just had had jarringly brought back a flood of memories of a
    major turning point in his life.  It still amazed him that
    he survived his preteen and teenaged years to become of all
    things a cop.  As he drove he became a scared insecure 11
    year old again...
    
    So what if it was dinner time, he wasn't hungry and he
    certainly didn't want to go home.  He'd probably get chewed
    out by his father for missing the family meal - again.  His
    father was such a hypocrite, he'd missed more dinners than
    Ray ever had, playing pool and getting drunk after work at
    Finelli's.  Ray liked it when his dad wasn't there for
    dinner, because that usually meant he'd have Uncle Vinnie
    along with him.  But tonight he knew they were both at home
    and he decided he'd rather face his father's wrath than
    spend any more time than he had to with Uncle Vinnie.  It
    wouldn't have been so bad, but he always seemed to end up
    seated next to the man.  Being so close to him gave him the
    creeps.  He would lose his appetite then, so it really
    wasn't worth it to be at a dinner he couldn't eat or keep
    down anyway.  Couldn't his parents see how Ray trembled and
    became quiet whenever he was around him?  Couldn't they see
    him for the monster he was?  Didn't they notice?  Did they
    even care?
    
    Kicking at stones as he idly walked by his abandoned for the
    day school he saw his classmate Frankie in the schoolyard
    shooting hoops by himself.  Frankie Zuko was the new kid on
    the block, his family had moved into the neighborhood just 2
    weeks ago and he hadn't quite fit in.  Ray wasn't sure what
    he thought of Frankie yet, except that he tried too hard to
    push himself on the other kids to the point where he ended
    up pushing them away.  Ray had nothing better to do and he
    loved basketball, so he made the first overture of
    friendship to this kid.  He joined him on the court, calling
    over to him.  "Come on Frankie, whaddya say?  You and me...
    one-on-one?"  Frankie smiled as he stopped what he was doing
    to turn and face his challenger.  "Raymondo... isn't it?"
    Ray smiled back. "Yeah, but call me Ray.  Come on... you and
    me."  Frankie tossed the basketball over to Ray.  "You think
    you can take me on?"  Ray teased and good naturedly laughed.
    "Hey I don't think.  I know.  I'm gonna kick your ass."
    Frankie liked the challenge and laughed back. "Funny, I was
    just gonna warn you about the same thing."
    
    Soon they were into a well matched game of one-on-one,
    finding they were hard pressed to score points off of one
    another.  While they played they joked and teased learning a
    little bit more about each other in the process.  They were
    getting along really well, enjoying each other's company,
    and just being playful kids.  It was almost dark when they
    were interrupted by a sleek expensive black car pulling up
    alongside the schoolyard fence.  "Frankie say 'good-bye' to
    your little friend and get over here.  You're father wants
    you home NOW!"   Frankie rolled his eyes in displeasure
    towards the car and the man who got out of it.  "Yeah, yeah,
    I'm comin' Charlie.  Well Ray looks like my owner's found me
    again.  I've gotta get goin'.  I'll try to sneak over here
    again day after tomorrow... 5 o'clock?  Want a rematch?"
    Ray smiled back at his new friend. "If I can get by the
    prison guards at my place, you're on.  Ciao."  Frankie
    called over his shoulder before getting into the car.  "Ciao
    Ray." 
    
    After that day they became inseperable friends and would
    often sneak off to play basketball together, changing the
    spots frequently to avoid their families.  Ray began blowing
    off his old alter-boy friends Joey, Sal and Marco to hang out
    with Frankie and Frankie's other newly acquired friends Vito
    DeNucci and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' Rostelli, these two were
    considered the toughest kids in school.  They weren't rocket
    scientists, but they sure knew the science of fighting.
    Jimmy had earned his nickname, because he once pounded a
    kid's face in until it looked like raw roastbeef, or so the
    story went, but Ray didn't put alot of stock in some of the
    stories that flew around the school.  He'd heard the rumors
    about their dad's being mafia connected, but he didn't care,
    they were friends of Frankie so that made them friends of
    his.  Besides he started to like the growing feeling of
    being in control at the school, with the other kids showing
    him 'respect' - or what he thought was respect then, but as
    an adult realized was just their 'fear' of him and who he
    hung out with.  His musing back to the past brought him
    swiftly to the Vecchio home after he left Fraser's.
    
    Ray felt trapped by the one person who he'd felt he could
    move mountains for if she asked, but today she was saying
    things he really didn't want to hear or do.  Until now he
    thought he would do anything in the world to please her, but
    what she was asking of him was just too much.  "Ma I'm not
    goin' and that's final.  I hate him.  I don't care."  Mrs.
    Vecchio wouldn't let the matter drop. "Raymondo, he's your
    uncle.  He's family.  You should go.  He left you an
    inheritance."  Ray swallowed hard, how could he tell his
    mother that the money his uncle had left him made him feel
    like a whore owed money for services rendered.  He had never
    told her; couldn't tell her; would never tell her what his
    father's half-brother Vincenzo had done to him and almost
    done to Maria more than once.  "Ma, I'm NOT goin' to his
    funeral and I'm NOT takin' his money.  I'm glad the
    bastard's dead."  His mother wouldn't leave him alone.
    "Raymondo that's no way to speak of the dead.  You used to
    like him.  When he first moved in with us you really took to
    him.  He spoiled you rotten.  What happened?  Was it what
    happened that night your father kicked him out?  Nothin'
    happened to Maria."  Ray's tone got very sarcastic. "Yeah
    right ma, nothin' happened.  Forgive and forget.  I'm sorry
    but I can't."  He made to leave, but her hand came out to
    block him. "Raymondo, if you don't take the money for
    yourself at least give it to the family.  We can certainly
    use it."
    
    Ray's expressive eyes tried so hard to tell his mother to
    stop.  Her latest argument was almost breaking his resolve.
    He loved his family and tried to look out for them and their
    financial well-being.  He'd taken that burden of
    responsibility onto his shoulders years ago, when he
    realized what a rotten job of it his father had done.  Ray
    had a good head for money matters and was adept at playing
    the stock market, investing wisely.  He'd managed to pay off
    the gambling debts his father had left when he'd died 7
    years ago; the second mortgage on the house was now paid in
    full; and he made sure his mother never had to work at
    menial labor again, she would be able to enjoy time with her
    grandchildren and early retirement comfortably.  She was
    right though, they could use the money.  He started thinking
    what it could do to help Maria and Tony with the expenses
    they had of raising their brood; and then there was
    spendthrift Frannie, who he could never seem to keep on a
    budget.  But still it didn't feel right to him, he couldn't
    bring himself to take the money.
    
    Fully resolved now, he emphatically stated. "NO!  I won't do
    it."  Mrs Vecchio slapped him at his disobedience of her
    wishes and his denying the family this inheritance.  The
    sting of it startled him, but the true pain of it wasn't in
    the physical slap as much as in the fact that she'd struck
    him at all.  She'd never hit him before.  Realizing what
    she'd done and seeing the devastated look on her son's face,
    she pulled her hand back quickly, looking at it as if it
    weren't her own.  She wasn't fast enough to stop Ray as he
    turned quickly from her and fled the house.  Calling out
    from the kitchen to his retreating back as he left through
    the front door, never once turning back.  "Raymondo I'm
    sorry.  I'm sorry." she cried, but he was deaf to her.
    
    Ray hadn't returned home that night or the next day either.
    Mrs Vecchio tried calling him first on his cellular phone,
    which he wasn't answering, and then at work the following
    day, but they reported he hadn't shown up and they were also
    wondering what had happened to him as he was scheduled to be
    there.  She decided then if anyone would know where Ray was
    it would be Benton; she prayed Ray was with his friend now.
    Mrs Vecchio knew Ray treasured the friendship he'd developed
    over the past couple of years with the mountie.  He'd never
    had someone he respected and admired as much as Fraser and
    she was glad he'd chosen such a good man as a friend.  The
    mountie was such a positive influence on her son, that she
    could see the effect he was having on Ray revealing itself
    more and more.  Ray's own goodness was trying to openly come
    out again from behind all the sarcasm and cynicism he
    normally hid it with.  Fraser would be the one he'd turn to
    she was sure of it.
    
    At the consulate Jasmine the receptionist stopped Fraser in
    the hall.  "Hi Fraser.  I'm glad you're back.  There's a
    lady in your office waiting to see you.  She says its
    urgent.  I let her in there about 10 minutes ago.  I hope
    that's alright.  She seems like a real nice lady."  Fraser
    was smiling at her. "Good afternoon Jasmine.  That's fine.
    I'll take care of her.  Thank-you kindly."  He headed for
    his closet-like office and was surprised to see that the
    lady waiting for him was Ray's mother.  He was friendly, but
    his voice and eyes were tinged with concern.  "Good
    afternoon Mrs. Vecchio.  Its always a pleasure to see you.
    But is there something wrong?  The receptionist told me you
    said it was urgent that you speak with me.  Is it Ray?  Is
    he alright?"  She felt uncomfortable and somewhat nervous
    about talking to him now, when she realized from his words
    Ray hadn't spoken to him about what had occurred between
    herself and her son.
    
    She got up and closed the door as she turned to confide in
    him. "Hello Benton.  I'm sorry to bother you at work, but it
    is important and it does involve my son.  Oh I'm such a
    terrible mother... " She looked absolutely miserable.  "I
    should have known.  If only I..."  Fraser squatted down next
    to her chair, trying to look her in the eyes as he placed a
    reassuring hand on top of her's, which were fidgeting in her
    lap.  She was on the verge of tears.  He reached behind him
    for a box of tissues he knew was there and placed them
    nearby should they be required.  He'd interrupted her self-
    reproach. "I know you're not a terrible mother.  Ray does
    too.  He adores you.  I want to help.  Please tell me what's
    wrong."  She took a deep breath and began again. "He's gone.
    The other night we fought over something stupid - money - an
    inheritance from his uncle, which he didn't want.  I slapped
    him... I don't know what came over me... I've never struck
    any of my children before.  The look in his eyes... oh that
    hurt look in those beautiful eyes... I'll never forgive
    myself.  He ran from me.  I'm so worried about him, he never
    returned home last night and hasn't reported in to work
    today... I was hoping he would have come to you."
    
    Fraser was growing very concerned for his friend now, as he
    admitted to Mrs. Vecchio that he too had had a fight with
    Ray a couple of days ago and hadn't spoken to or seen him
    since, although he had tried to without any luck.  He relayed
    to her the incident in the car during the stake out.  Her
    sad eyes expressed to him that he'd added another piece to a
    puzzle she was very close to solving.  "Oh, my poor
    Raymondo.  Ray used to have nightmares like that alot when
    he was young.  After Ray left, I told Maria what had
    happened.  She and Ray have always been close, he's very
    protective of her.  The night he left, she told me a vague
    story about something that happened to her when she was 7
    years old; about Ray, herself and their uncle Vincenzo; but
    I didn't understand what she was really trying to tell me.
    Oh god its all starting to make a sick sort of sense to me
    now.  Why didn't I see it then?"  Mrs Vecchio burst into
    tears.  Fraser comforted her with soothing words and gentle
    hands on her own, but he needed to know what she was talking
    about.  If there was something wrong with Ray he would do
    anything in his power to help his dearest friend.
    
    When her crying spell had stopped, he began questioning her
    to draw the whole story out.  With a shaky voice at first
    she relayed the ugly truth as she knew it. "I'm going to
    confide some personal information about my Ray that I'm
    trusting you as his friend to keep amongst ourselves."
    Fraser fervently sweared to guard this information with his
    life.  "I wish you could have known Ray when he was a young
    boy, he was such a good lovely child -  very sweet,
    friendly, generous and good hearted.  I used to think he was
    destined for the priesthood, the way he treated people was
    so sensitive and kind.  My husband hated it, he wanted Ray
    to toughen up, be more like him.  He thought Ray shouldn't
    be so naive and trusting, wanting to help people all the
    time.  In a strange way I can see now why he likes you so
    much Benton.  You're alot like he was."  She smiled fondly
    at Fraser at this point and then continued.  "When Ray was
    around 10 years old almost 11, my husband's half-brother
    Vincenzo came to live with us for a while.  Ray adored him,
    looked up to him; Vincenzo paid him alot of attention,
    spoiled him."
    
    Mrs Vecchio paused to catch a breath and take one of the
    tissues from the box.  Noticing her distress, Fraser
    interrupted her story briefly. "Can I get you anything to
    drink?  Coffee?  Water?"  She shook her head. "No, no, I'm
    fine.  Just need a second."  The story unfolding about his
    friend's childhood resumed after a brief pause. "I wish I
    had known what was happening.  But looking back now I can
    see so many signs that I didn't put together until now.  How
    could I have been so blind?  On occassion we'd leave our
    children with Vincenzo to babysit.  I had no idea then, how
    bad that was.  I recall Ray hating it whenever we left them.
    His father just thought he was being overly dramatic when
    he'd try to con or beg us not to go, but he stopped after
    the first couple of times. I loved my husband, but he had a
    quick temper and low patience, so he soon put an end to that
    type of behavior." 
    
    Fraser's grip on her hand was tightening ever so slightly as
    he felt sympathy for his friend, realizing that something
    terrible must have happened to that young Ray.  "Now I know
    why...  I remember feeling so thankful that we had found out
    in time and that my husband kicked out his brother when he
    had tried to molest our Maria.  I always just thought Ray
    hated his uncle for what he almost did to her.  I never
    suspected that he could have already hurt my poor Raymondo."
    She was crying again and Fraser's heart went out to his
    friend, understanding now the horrible secret that Ray lived
    with for so long.  A secret that was eating away at him now,
    because of his uncle's recent death.  He gathered a sobbing
    Mrs Vecchio into an embrace, all the while feeling as sad as
    she at his friend's pain.
    
    She recovered herself slightly.  "I wish he would have told
    me.  So much of his behavior back then and now is making
    sense to me.  Before my husband kicked Vincenzo out, I did notice changes
    in Ray's behavior towards the family.  He tried to
    avoid us, mostly his uncle now that I think back on it.  He
    wouldn't come home right after school, sometimes missing
    dinner, but he didn't seem to care, even when we scolded him
    for it.  He's always been an outgoing person, but he became
    quiet around us and kept to himself whenever he could.  It
    was very unlike him.  Before then he was a somewhat chubby
    kid, but at this age he started to lose alot of weight and
    my angelic Ray was becoming a stranger to me. I remember
    talking to my husband about it.  That maybe he was sick or
    something.   My husband just told me that I babied him too
    much, that he was just going through a phase, and that he'd
    snap out of it.  It was also around this time he started to
    lose his old alter-boy friends in favor of some new ones
    he'd made, like Frankie Zuko.  I didn't like these boys and
    the influence they had on my son, they had such bad
    reputations and their families were rumored to be
    'connected', if you know what I mean.  I finally told myself
    his strange behavior was from his growing up in a street tough
    neighborhood.  My husband... well he didn't seem to worry
    about it as much as me, except when Ray would get into
    trouble and it would get him involved with dealing with some
    kid's parents or business owner that had his store or
    whatever shoplifted or vandalized.  Except for that he just
    would tell me not to worry; that teenaged boys go through
    phases like this; it was character building and he'd learn
    from it.  I'm sorry.  I'm rambling now."
    
    Fraser, who had been quietly concentrating on all that she
    said, responded. "Mrs Vecchio this is helping me understand
    your son and what's happening now better.  Whether he
    realizes it or not he needs us now more than ever.  Don't
    worry.  I promise you I will find him and bring him home.
    I'd do anything to help your son."  Mrs Vecchio, wiping at
    her eyes, gave him a sad half-smile. "I know you would.
    You're a good friend and my son is lucky to have found you.
    Thank-you."
    
    The seedy hotel room over Vito's bar and pool hall with the
    neon sign outside his window was ratty, uncomfortable and
    loud, but he didn't care.  It was away from home and away
    from haunting memories of his past, or so he thought as he
    drifted to sleep.  His dream placed him back in the past
    again, this time he was around 12 years old...
    
    He'd just come sneaking back into the house late one night.
    He hadn't been sought out by Uncle Vinnie for about a month
    now and Ray had been keeping even closer track of Maria and
    Frannie to make sure they were ok in that timeframe.  He
    knew he'd be able to tell if something was wrong with either
    one of them, because he was always driving them crazy with
    his 'stupid' obsessive overly protective questions about
    their comings and goings.  Frannie especially was becoming
    annoyed and would stubbornly and petulantly ignore him now,
    but he figured if there were something wrong with her he'd
    know it.  Maria always talked with, trusted and confided in
    him though and she was ok the last time he'd seen her.
    
    Tonight he'd been messing around with Frankie and the guys.
    Frankie had shown them one of his father's guns.  Ray
    thought it was really cool and insisted they go out to a
    deserted warehouse to target practice with it.  Ray had been
    pretty good with the weapon for his first time and garnered
    praise from his friends at his being a 'natural'.  He joked
    with them that it helped when you pictured someone as your
    target.  They'd laughed at that and he didn't tell them he
    wasn't kidding.  He really did picture his tormentor as the
    target each time he squeezed that trigger.  The weapon in
    his hand had felt so good as it discharged and especially
    whenever it hit the mark; that he found himself wishing that
    his uncle had been the one he really hit in that warehouse.
    The fantasy of it was so tempting... *maybe Frankie would
    lend me the gun sometime?*... he had toyed with this idea
    alot on his way home.
    
    He'd successfully made it upstairs without being caught.
    Walking by Frannie's room to check on her he saw she was
    already fast asleep, clutching her teddy bear.  He went to
    Maria's room and saw that his other sister wasn't there.  He
    hadn't seen her downstairs when he briefly poked around the
    house checking for the whereabouts of everyone.  So where
    was she?  His heart was racing a bit with concern.  That's
    when he heard the commotion coming from downstairs.  He'd
    never heard his father so angry in all his life, not even
    when Ray had angered him for any of the trouble he'd been
    getting into lately.
    
    The house was shaking as he heard someone violently thrown
    up against a wall.  Then the cursing and yelling that went
    on was incredible.  He realized that his father was furious
    with his Uncle Vincenzo and it sounded like they were having
    not only a verbal fight but a physical one as well.  Ray
    crept down the stairs and watched the altercation from a
    safe hidden distance.  He could just barely see his mother
    clutching Maria to her and trying to get past the two angry
    fighting brothers.  She looked just as furious and yet on
    the verge of tears.  When an opening made itself clear, she
    moved quickly past them both with a scared and confused
    Maria protectively held close.
    
    The way they were approaching him there was nowhere Ray
    could hide.  His mother caught his eyes and then his hand as
    she pulled him in tow along with his sister up the stairs.
    "I know what's happening downstairs is confusing to you
    both, but trust me, what your father is doing is best for
    the family."  There was the sound of his father's angry
    voice yelling at his brother to never step foot in his house
    again and then the door slamming with finality as his uncle
    was banished forever.  When his mother wasn't looking he
    couldn't stop the smile that spread from inside him to his
    face.  The monster was gone.  He felt a burden lifted off of
    him, and a feeling of a key being turned to release him from
    his own personal hell.  His father had become his hero in
    that moment and he couldn't have loved him more.
    
    Later that night when his father went by his door, Ray
    stopped him and without saying a word just hugged him.  It
    took his father off-guard, he wasn't an affectionate man
    when it came to his son and the emotional display made him
    uncomfortable.  "Ray?"  At first Ray could swear he felt him
    actually hug him back, but it was too brief as his father
    pulled him away to face him.  Ray grew fearful when he saw
    the expression on his father's face, at first it was
    puzzlement and then it quickly grew stern as it said.
    "Raymondo, did you know something?  Maria said you always
    told her not to play with Uncle Vinnie."  Ray's eyes
    registered panic and he visibly gulped.  He knew his face
    was like an open book and he had trouble lying; his father
    knew it too - although lately Ray had been getting better at
    lying.  Ray felt he didn't have to say a word now, just had to
    look at him and he'd know the awful truth.  He tried to cast
    his eyes down quickly so his father couldn't see that he
    knew so much, too much for a child his age.  His father
    shook his head in disappointment. "Ray you're pathetic.  You
    should have told me he was bothering Maria.  I expect you as
    the oldest male in the house when I'm not around to look
    after your sisters and mother better than that.  Your
    brother Carmine would have.  You failed kid.  Don't ever let
    me down again."
    
    Ray was devastated and felt more worthless now than he ever
    had before.  The comparison to his beloved older brother had
    been almost like a physical blow - the pain came from
    believing his father was right.  It always amazed him that
    his father never struck him, but could hurt him just as
    badly, if not more, with just his words or a look.  Ray
    berated himself thinking if Carmine were still around, he
    would have handled things better than he had. *He'd have
    known what to do; he'd never have let Uncle Vinnie do those
    horrible things to him or me or our sisters.*  Ray missed
    his older brother and wished, not for the first time, that
    he had been the one who died in the car accident 5 years ago
    instead of his brother, the son he felt his father really
    wanted and loved.  He knew he was going to cry, but he
    wasn't about to let his father see the tears, instead he
    pulled away angry, hurt and betrayed as he spat. "I hate you
    too!" He ran blindly down the stairs and out the door.  His
    father's angry bellow followed him out into the night.
    "Raymondo get your ass back in here!"  But he didn't turn
    around, he just kept running.  When he slowed down a little
    bit he realized he was running towards Frankie's place.  He
    figured his friend would let him hang out there for a while.
    Frankie knew what it felt like to have an asshole for a
    father, he'd understand. 
    
    Fraser had gone to the precinct right after Mrs. Vecchio's
    visit.  He was in Lt Welsh's office letting him know Ray
    wasn't going to be in for a few days.  He hadn't told him
    the whole truth, just that Ray wasn't feeling well and
    needed the time off, which was true.  Welsh wasn't happy
    about the way Ray had requested time off through Fraser, he
    couldn't afford to give him that time, there was just too
    much work to do.  However Welsh had known of Mrs Vecchio
    looking for her son this morning and knew something was very
    wrong.  Along with this Fraser's sincerety and pleading eyes
    told him it was serious and private enough that he
    reluctantly granted the sick time.  "He'd better be well in
    2 days or else he's going to find himself in a whole lot of
    trouble.  Understand?"  Fraser looked relieved at the time
    given to his awol friend.  "Yes sir.  I'll take personal
    responsibility that he reports back to you in that
    timeframe."  As Fraser took his leave of him, Welsh noticed
    from the window of his office that Fraser had stopped by
    Elaine's desk and had led the Civilian Aide out of the
    squadroom.  His attention was called away from this scene
    and it was soon forgotten as Detective Huey and States
    Attorney Louise St Laurent entered his office with
    information on taking down a psycho he'd wanted off the
    streets for over a month now.
    
    Elaine was happily surprised to see Fraser approaching her
    desk.  Ray wasn't around so his presence here was unusual
    but welcome.  She gave him a smile and a greeting.  "Good
    afternoon Elaine.  I'm sorry to impose on you, but would you
    please grant me a favor?"  Elaine's mind was racing at the
    thrill of Fraser owing her a favor.  *Oh how I'd love to
    collect*, she laughed inwardly to herself.  She overeagerly
    said, "Yes, anything.", and scolded herself for her hasty
    response.  "Would you mind going somewhere private, so we
    can talk?"  Elaine was elated, somewhere private with Fraser
    was always the highlight of her fantasies.  This was too
    good to be true.
    
    She got up from her desk and let him escort her out of the
    squadroom to one of the interrogation rooms on this floor.
    He'd sworn her to secrecy, which she agreed to and then came
    the request.  "Elaine, Ray's run off and I need to track him
    quickly.  I was hoping that with your research and computing
    skills you could find out if and where he may have used his
    credit cards in the last 2 days?  I know which one's he has
    in order to help you narrow the search."  Elaine looked
    concerned and was very willing to help.  "Of course I'll
    help you.  I won't even hold you to the favor."  She kicked
    herself when she realized what she just said. "Believe it or
    not I like Ray - most of the time - I want to help him too."
    Fraser gave her the most beautiful smile and look that made
    her heart skip a beat.  *Oh this was definitely gonna be
    worth it.*, she thrilled in her head.  She just endeared
    herself to the man of her dreams, it couldn't get better
    than this.  She heard her little voice inside say laughingly
    *Oh yes it can.*
    
    "Where can I reach you?", she asked.  Fraser responded,
    "Thank-you kindly Elaine.  Leave me a message to call you at
    either of these 2 numbers."  He then gave her Mr Mustafi's
    phone number and Jasmine's at the consulate.  "I'll call you
    back.  I'll be out looking for other clues to his
    whereabouts, but I will check in periodically as well.  Ok?"
    Elaine smiled. "I'll start right now.  It could take a
    couple of hours... if we're lucky."  She slid a paper and
    pencil that were in the room over to Fraser.  "Here, write
    down that list of credit cards for me."  Fraser knew the
    cards from having shopped and dined numerous times with Ray.
    Ray had even thrown him his wallet once when Ben needed to
    borrow money from him 'again'.  Ray had jokingly told him
    then. "Here keep it.  Just give me an allowance ok?"  He
    quickly made out the list, adding his gas station cards on
    there as well.  She was true to her word, making it her
    first priority, when they finally parted company.
    
    With Elaine's help he narrowed his search down to a seedy
    part of Chicago.  He could see why Ray picked this area, it
    was definitely somewhere someone could get lost in and
    discourage any followers.  But Fraser wasn't just any
    follower, he was a fearless tracker and also a worried
    friend.  Ray had used one of his cards in a store to pick up
    some clothes and other essential items, seeing as he had
    left the house so quickly without having had a chance to
    pack anything.  He went to the store now to question the
    shop clerks there.  One of the clerks had remembered seeing
    him and which direction he'd been going in when he left.
    Fraser went in that same direction asking people all around
    the area and in the outlying stores and establishments if
    they'd seen his friend.  His search brought him to a pool
    hall bar with rooms to let the next night.
    
    He entered the smoky, loud and dingy place looking for the
    manager.  But luck was with him, when he spotted a pool game
    just ending in the back of the room and heard his friend's
    voice laughingly asking for any more takers.  He seemed to
    be in a good mood, probably because he had quite a bit of
    money in his hand, which he must have won.  Ray hadn't
    noticed him yet, because his back was to him.  As he
    approached he said loudly enough for his friend to hear over
    the din in the place.  "I'm willing to play, but not for
    money, the stakes are higher than that."  Ray visibly
    stiffened when he recognized the voice, then he took on a
    very cool attitude as he turned around.  "Hey guys, meet
    Dudley DoRight.  If you're lucky he might give you his
    autograph." Ray looked annoyed at his being there, but Ben
    wasn't going to be daunted.
    
    Fraser was ready for Ray's inner and outer game playing
    taking place now as he faced him.  "Well Ray you haven't
    answered my challenge yet.  You ready to play me for the
    stakes I'm about to lay down?"  Ray gave him a questioning
    look. "You're not serious are you?  Oh yeah I forgot, you're
    always serious.  You don't want to take me on.  Just go."
    Fraser was willing to offer up their friendship as the
    highest stake and he wasn't about to lose it if he could
    help it, so he firmly responded.  "The stake I'm offering up
    is:  You win, I leave you alone.  I win, you have to talk to
    me.  Answer some questions."  Ray thought the challenge over
    and feeling kind of smug he answered. "You're on.  But if I
    win you get the better deal.  Believe me."  Fraser was
    saddened to hear his friend talk this way, because he knew
    now that Ray was pushing him away not so much out of anger,
    but out of his own self-loathing.  He'd never wanted to win
    a game so badly as this one in his whole life.  "What are we
    playing?"  Ray responded. "8-Ball.  You ever play it before
    Fraser?"  Fraser hadn't, but he was familiar with the game
    from reading about it in one of the many books he'd read in
    his grandmother's travelling library.  He'd also played pool
    in different variations before and had a good head for the
    mathmatics and logic of the overall game.  These factors
    would have to serve him well now.
    
    Ray threw him a cue and then racked up the balls.  "Best 3
    out of 5 wins."  Fraser remembered his friend telling him
    that his father had been an excellent pool player, that time
    he'd helped him move the Vecchio's pool table into their
    dining room.  He was supposed to have played pool with Ray
    back then, but he never got to since Victoria had picked
    that time to re-enter his life and regrettably made him miss
    his friend's get together with the guys for a night of pool.
    Having seen the amount of money in his friend's hand tonight
    he had the feeling that Ray was probably a chip-off-the-old-
    block when it came to this game.  He steeled himself for
    this challenge; their friendship was on the line.
    
    Ray was being generous and smug.  "I'll let you break on the
    first one."  Fraser made the first shot; it was alright, but
    kind of sloppy and didn't get him all that far.  Ray took
    over and wiped up the table with him.  The first game was
    his and he sure was cocky about it.  Fraser had improved
    with the second game, since he felt a little more confident
    with it and had learned a bit of Ray's style from the first
    game.  Fraser just barely won the game.  The third game
    however Ray showed him no mercy and again it was won by his
    friend.  The fourth made him nervous, if he lost this one
    he'd lose his friend.  It counted so much that he put all he
    had into it and managed to win it impressively.  They
    amazingly matched each other now, 2 for 2 with the fifth
    game being the deciding game.  He watched both the table and
    his friend closely with fearful eyes at every clean shot Ray
    made.  He kept wondering what his impulse was - Why had he
    put their friendship up to the whim of a game?  He caught
    Ray periodically looking over at him with a strange
    expression in his eyes, almost as if he were sizing him up
    for another type of challenge.
    
    The game was down to just a couple of balls left on the
    table and in Ray's favor.  Then something miraculous
    happened... Ray fumbled the last shot.  Fraser noticed
    however, that despite Ray's words to the contrary he really
    didn't seem all that upset about it.  Ray tilted his head
    slightly as he looked across the table at him asking through
    a teasing smile. "Well are ya gonna take a shot at this or
    not?"  Fraser took the 'cue' his friend just offered him, as
    he responded.  "Its definitely a shot worth taking.  I won't
    give up on you Ray."  The ball moved smoothly and precisely
    into the pocket with a satisfying plunk.  He could swear his
    friend had fumbled in the end to let him win.  However he
    won he was going to keep Ray to his part of what was at
    stake - their friendship.  Fraser pondered briefly what he
    would have done if he had lost.  Probably still butt into
    Ray's life somehow.  He couldn't stop, especially now when
    Ray needed a friend most.
    
    Fraser placed their cues back in the rack and tidied up the
    table, then placed a hand on his friend's arm.  "You ready
    for our talk now?  Or do I have to play some other game for
    the privilege?"  Ray smiled and shook his head.  "You really
    don't give up do you?  Yeah, well you won afterall.  I honor
    my debts.  I've got a room upstairs.  We can talk there."
    He led Fraser up the dirty stairs through the dingy hallway
    that took them to Ray's room.  Inside they sat one on the
    couch the other in a chair.  Ray was nervous and fidgeting,
    trying to avoid Fraser's eyes as he blurted out. "Ok, you've
    got me here, now talk." 
    
    Fraser started with, "Your mother came to see me the other
    day.  She's very worried about you and so am I."  Ray
    scoffed at that. "Yeah right.  She really showed me how
    worried she is about me.  She wouldn't let up on me."
    Fraser looked over in compassion at his friend. "Ray if you
    can manage to think through some of your pain, you'll
    realize she really does love you and didn't mean to hurt
    you.  She didn't know why you were so resolute about not
    taking the inheritance... but she does now."  Ray's face
    reacted in surprise at first, then he recovered his cool
    attitude again. "She knows nothing."  Fraser moved along the
    couch so he was closer to his friend, placing a hand
    comfortingly on his arm.  "Ray we know about your uncle and
    the horror he put you through."  Ray looked extremely
    uncomfortable, but his eyes told him another story of relief
    at finally being allowed to share his burden with someone
    else.
    
    Ray visibly swallowed and tried to say something back, but
    at first the words wouldn't come.  "You.. um.. you know?"
    Fraser nodded and said "Yes."  Ray panicked slightly, "Oh
    god, she knows?  And she doesn't hate me?"  Fraser shook his
    head and looked reassuringly at his friend.  "Hate you for
    what?  For being a scared young boy who was taken advantage
    of?  Never."  Ray spoke up, wanting and yet not wanting to
    talk to someone about what he kept hidden from everyone and
    wanted to keep hidden from himself but couldn't.  "Man, I
    was such a dumb kid.  So naive, trusting and thinking the
    best of people.  It was so easy for my uncle to manipulate
    me.  He knew all the right buttons to push.  I shouldn't
    have been so trusting.  I was so stupid to think that he
    actually cared about me at first.  Ya know there was a time
    when he used to treat me better than my own father.  He'd
    fill me full of things I needed and wanted to hear.  Things
    my father never told me... like he wished I were his son;
    that he was proud of me for being such a good boy...  That
    he loved me..."  The last part was said through a choked up
    throat, as Ray scrubbed at his face fighting to hold back an
    onslaught of tears, he felt on the verge of shedding.
    
    "My father was right - I was weak; I was a coward.  When I
    was molested the first time, I should have stood up to my
    uncle.  I should have done somethin'.  It was my fault.  I
    should have done somethin' to stop him."  Ray's voice grew
    quiet at the last part and he couldn't look Fraser in the
    eyes.  Fraser shook his head sadly. "Ray, you were what - 10
    years old?  Give yourself a break.  You were a child.
    Unfortunately I know you've been on child molestation cases
    before, do you fault the children that were victims?"  Ray's
    quiet voice whispered out a "No."  Fraser moved his hand
    from Ray's arm to rest on top of the fidgeting hand on the
    armrest.  "Then why blame yourself?"  Ray grew slightly
    defensive.  "Its not the same."  Fraser pierced him with his
    kind blue eyes.  "It is."
    
    Fraser decided Ray needed to hear something that Maria and
    his mother had shared with him, when he checked in with them
    earlier today with his progress on locating Ray.  He began.
    "Maria told your mother about that time you protected her
    from your uncle.  That took alot of courage Ray.  She also
    told how you used to always look out for her and Francesca
    and warned them away from your uncle.  Did you know it was
    because of you Maria was spared that night your father
    discovered what his brother was like?  She knew from your
    warnings there was something wrong with the way your uncle
    was talking to her and trying to lure her away to the
    basement.  She ran outside to get away from him and ran into
    your father who'd just returned with your mother from
    visiting a neighbor across the street.  She was scared and
    according to your mother didn't want to talk to him, she
    kept wanting to find you.  When they heard her story that's
    when your father reacted the way he did."  Ray didn't know
    the whole story of that night and was thankful Fraser had
    told him.
    
    Ray quietly and sadly spoke. "I should have told my father,
    but I couldn't.  He was such a bastard, he would have made
    it worse for me.  Worse, god I don't know how it could have
    gotten much worse, but I thought at the time it could.  He
    already thought I was pathetic, this would have just added
    to it.  All I ever wanted was for my father to be proud of
    me, but I always let him down.  I'm glad he and his brother
    are both dead.  Maybe I'll finally get some peace now."
    
    A silent lone tear splashed on Fraser's hand, Ray was
    relieved to finally have someone like Fraser to talk to
    about what had happened to him so long ago, yet stayed to
    haunt him to this day.  He had needed to talk about it so
    badly, but felt ashamed and embarassed at first, but Fraser
    didn't back off from him, was very supportive and
    encouraging, even through the worst of it.  His friend's
    compassion, soothing words and reactions helped put Ray at
    ease as he was able now to release at last some of the
    tragic pain and humiliation of what he went through during
    his childhood.  His conversation with Fraser didn't end with
    his uncle's banishment though, he carried it through to his
    traumatic association with Frank Zuko and that horrific
    aspect of his life.
    
    Ray spoke now of what he only briefly touched on that one
    time he confided to Fraser, who had been beaten up by Zuko's
    men, about one of the things he felt most guilty about from
    his childhood - Marco Matrani, the kid Frankie Zuko had
    mercilessly drilled a basketball into his face when they
    were teenagers.  Ray's narrative began.  "I remember being
    born knowing Marco.  We ended up in the same classes, church
    functions and just neighborhood things all the time.  He was
    my shadow and one of those friends you don't want to admit
    to anyone is your friend.  He used to always want to tag
    along, do what I did.  He drove me crazy.  There was no
    shakin' him.  Believe it or not Fraser, Frankie Zuko and I
    used to be inseperable friends.  When he says we have a
    history together he ain't kiddin'.  Another part of my life
    I'm not proud of.  But even when I started hangin' out with
    Frankie and his friends, Marco still wanted to be around me.
    Dumb kid.  I used to warn him off, especially whenever he
    begged me to let him play basketball with us.  I knew what
    Frankie was like, especially when it came to basketball.  He
    was ruthless.  I could keep up with him though, because I
    could play him dirty move for dirty move.  I'm not proud to
    admit this, but who do you think taught Frankie that elbow
    technique?"  Fraser gave him a knowing smile, remembering
    the elbow jab an adult Frankie had given him when they had
    played one-on-one that one time.
    
    Ray continued his story.  "Frankie had tolerated Marco once
    for my sake and tried to hold back around him, when he saw
    that I was running interference between them.  I took a few
    jabs to the ribs for it too.  But it was worth it, to
    protect him.  Marco was an enthusiastic but terrible player.
    The kid wouldn't leave it be, kept wanting to play even
    after that first game.  Frankie was getting annoyed at me
    for mother-henning him on the court, whether he was on our
    team or playing against us.  Started really givin' me flack
    about it.  Told me I needed to toughen up, I was gettin'
    weak.  When Marco cost him a game that Frankie had money on,
    the kid didn't have a prayer."  Ray took a shaky breath and
    blew it out.
    
    Shaking his head in self-denial he went on.  "I knew Frankie
    was pissed off, but I didn't even bother to warn Marco to
    stay clear of us.  I shouldn't have been there.  I should've
    just left after the game.  If I hadn't been there, Marco
    wouldn't have seen me and come over.  He didn't have a
    clue."  Fraser remembered how emotionally hard it had been
    on his friend to have told him just a small part of this
    story already that one time in the precinct canteen.  It was
    really doing a number on him now, but he knew his friend had
    to let this piece out too, maybe in this way he could
    overcome some of the guilt he felt over his part in the
    grizzly story that was about to unfold.  "I did nothin' to
    stop Vito and Jimmy 'Roastbeef' from holding him down while
    Frankie rearranged his face.  I'll never forget.  He kept
    looking at me with those frightened eyes, he was begging me
    to help him, but I couldn't move.  I was transfixed by it
    all.  God there was so much blood and I can still hear him
    cryin'.  When Frankie finally let up on him, he threw the
    bloody ball to me and coolly joked. 'You're up Vecchio.'  I
    was terrified of him then, someone I thought was my friend,
    scared the hell out of me.  It was then everything fell into
    perspective for me.  I wasn't like these guys, no matter how
    much I thought I was.  The difference between us became
    clear right then and there."
    
    Ray took a pause and sighed. "I thank god there was a noise
    of someone coming by to make Frankie and his goons, minus me
    scatter.  I went to Marco, not knowing what to do, but just
    be there with him so he wouldn't be alone or help stop the
    bleeding... get help... whatever... I don't remember much
    after that I was so numb.  I never thanked Marco for what
    he'd suffered and done for me to set me free from what I
    could've become.  He paid too high a price for me to come to
    my senses and change my life back to my earlier goal of
    helping people instead of hurting them."
    
    Fraser had remained silent, just listening in sympathy and
    sadness at the outpouring of such a tragic childhood.  It
    was what Ray needed from him and he readily granted him
    this, but sensing his friend was talked out for now, he
    interrupted him. "Ray you could never have become like those
    without a conscience and so much hate.  I'm sorry to tell
    you this, but you and I aren't as different as you may
    think.  Your approach is different than mine - distinctly so
    - but the sentiment and goal is the same.  You're a good man
    Ray Vecchio and I'm proud to have you as a friend.  You're
    loyal, generous and good-hearted, despite what you may think
    of yourself.  I think you need to forgive that boy you once
    were.  Give him a break... he's suffered long enough...
    forgive yourself Ray."  Ray's eyes told him that he was
    having a hard time with this concept.  He teased him. "If
    you don't, I'll be forced to tell you Inuit stories until
    you do."  Ray gave him a half-smile and then Fraser felt
    Ray's arms go around him in a thankful embrace as he
    whispered. "I'll try, but please no Inuit stories." 
    
    Ray's ghost dad watched unnoticed by Ray as his son spoke
    with his 'looney tunes' friend - he reluctantly admitted to
    himself that Fraser wasn't really 'looney tunes' - as he
    listened to what was being said.  It hurt so much to hear
    his son talk about what had happened to him as a child and
    the venom he had spoken with about him, his own father.  As
    Ray's friend held him in a comforting embrace, Ray's father
    spoke loud enough for Ray to hear him as he sincerely and
    sadly said. "I'm sorry Ray.  You're right I'm a bastard.  I
    should've told ya this ages ago.  I'm proud of you.  I do
    love you." and he left then to go back to his purgatory.  He
    didn't see the surprised eyes that watched his retreating
    back as he disappeared back to where he'd come from or hear
    the "Pop?" that followed after him.
    
    In purgatory Ray's angry father searched for his half-
    brother and was ready and willing to chase him into the
    depths of hell to get him back for what he'd realized now
    had been done to his son.  Because right now no hell could
    be worse than the one he was in of his own design.
    
    *****EPILOGUE*****
    
    A week had passed since he'd come home thanks to Fraser.  He
    felt freer now and more comfortable in this house than ever
    before.  His mother and he had had a long talk and in that
    time he learned where he'd gotten his overactive guilt
    complex inherited from.  He had expected he'd be the one
    apologizing to her profusely, but she had surpassed him by
    making her apologizing to him into an artform.  Maria had
    been so good to him too.  She even thanked him for being
    such a good big brother and that she loved him.  Frannie,
    well she reluctantly admitted that she missed him and had
    worried about him too.  Tony, he still didn't have clue, but
    Maria loved the guy and he was good to his sister, so he
    left it at that.  As for the inheritance, Ray still wasn't
    going to claim it, the state could have it for all he cared.
    His family supported his wish not to take it and supported
    him and that's all that really mattered in the end. 
    
    He smiled to himself and realized how lucky he was to have
    his family and that always included Benny when he thought of
    family.  He still wondered if he had really seen and heard
    his father's ghost say what he'd always wanted all his life
    to hear.  Or was it just his subconscious wishing it so much
    that he tricked himself into seeing him and hearing those
    words come out of that man?  Whether it was real or figment,
    it had helped heal some of the wounds there as well.
    
    Ray slipped under the covers of his bed and shut off the
    light.  He wasn't afraid to close his eyes now, as he
    quickly and effortlessly drifted off to sleep, smiling in
    his slumber when he saw where he was being taken...
    
    He was back again in his past, a skinny darkhaired wising-
    off kid in gym class.  He was goofing around with Joey
    Salducci and they were teasing each other about the class
    lesson for the day... it was a dancing gym class today.
    *That was so dorky, gym was for sports not dancing.* he and
    his friends thought.  He teasingly asked his friend. "Joey
    ya big moose can I have this dance?"  Joey laughed with him,
    pointing over to Antonio Scarpaci. "Sorry Vecchio, even
    though you asked so nice, my dance card's full.  Tony asked
    first."  While they laughed, Ray caught a glimpse of the
    most beautiful girl he'd ever laid eyes on watching him with
    smiling eyes.  *Man, she's gorgeous* he thought.
    
    He didn't know who she was, but he was certain that by the
    time they were out on the floor dancing, he'd know then.
    When it came time for them to get partnered up with one of
    the girl's in the class, he realized that from his position
    in line he was one guy off from getting paired with her.
    His mind raced at thinking up a plan to get him in the right
    spot in line.  He smiled devilishly to himself as he
    whispered into the ear of Tommy Fortuna, the guy in 'his'
    spot.  A beet red Tommy skedaddled for the locker room just
    in time for Ray to steal his rightful spot and come face to
    face with an angel.
    
    His name was called out and then her's "Vecchio with Zuko."
    He shook his head thinking. *Naw, I must be hearing things.*
    Frankie wasn't in his gym class, just this darkhaired beauty
    positioning her hands on him for the dance.  She noticed his
    puzzled look and brief shake of his head. "You don't have to
    dance with me if you don't want.  I'll find another
    partner."  Ray was startled and alarmed by her words,
    stammering out.  "Uh no I don't... ahh I mean... I do
    want...  That's not what I meant."  She was smiling,
    giggling at his attempt to explain himself to her,
    pretending to be serious she let him off the hook.  "Ok Mr
    Vecchio I accept your gracious request to dance with me."
    Ray had positioned his nervous hands as instructed by the
    teacher on this lovely creature.  "Please don't call me Mr.
    Vecchio, or I'll think my dad's here.  Call me Ray.  And
    what can I call you?"  She gave him a radiant smile. "I'm
    Irene."  Ray's brain made the connection now.  Frankie had
    told him the other day that his younger sister Irene had
    recently come home from a special girl's boarding school in
    Switzerland.  She'd hated it there and begged to come home.
    Their parents had finally reluctantly allowed her to come
    home and go to public school now.
    
    Ray smiled at this happy realization. "Your Frankie's sister
    right?"  She smiled back. "Well it depends on how you'll
    react if I tell you.  Friend or foe?"  Ray laughed.  "He's a
    friend of mine."  She responded. "Yeah I know.  He talks
    about you all the time.  'Ray this' and 'Ray that.'  I feel
    like I already know you."  Ray wished he could say the same
    back, but the truth of it was, Frankie barely ever talked
    about his sister.  Ray hadn't even realized he'd had one,
    until a short time ago when Frankie had to go on a trip with
    his parents to see his 'princess' of a sister and didn't
    want to go.  He joked back. "Well then you probably know
    that I usually like to lead when I'm dancing with a girl."
    She laughed when she realized he was right, she was trying
    to lead the dance and they must look pretty silly to
    everyone else in the class.
    
    Embarassed and self-conscious now, she apologized.  "Sorry.
    I'll try to stop."  Ray noticed that even after he'd pointed
    it out to her she was still having trouble getting into the
    rhythm of the dance with him.  He had some experience with
    ballroom dancing, because his mother loved to dance.  Having
    2 sisters meant he was always the one forced to dance the
    most as their partners when his mom taught them how to dance
    too.  Seeing her distress and worry about not dancing well,
    he wanted to help and as an ulterior motive get her closer
    to him, so he suggested.  "Just relax.  Its ok.  Just put
    your head on my shoulder and close your eyes.  Everything's
    gonna be ok."  She gave him a nervous half-smile and
    tentatively did as he advised and the dance went much
    smoother after that, but was interrupted too soon, by the
    gym teacher coming over and pulling them apart, with a "Hey,
    Romeo and Juliet.  Break it up .  That's not part of the
    lesson you two."  Irene blushed slightly and Ray thought she
    couldn't have been more beautiful.  He wanted to dance the
    rest of the day away with her, but the bell rang signalling
    the end of class, but what he hoped wouldn't be the end for
    them.
    
    He stopped her in the hall before they went into the locker
    rooms.  "Will you go out with me this Saturday night?", he
    asked hopeful, nervous at the thought she might say what he
    didn't want to hear, but he couldn't just let her go without
    knowing if she felt the same tug of attraction he'd felt for
    her.  She pretended to think about it and let him sweat a
    little. "Well, I do have homework to do and there is the
    laundry and... of course.  I'd love to go out with you."
    They made quick arrangements for their date and agreed to
    meet again before then.  In the locker room he got razzed by
    his friends for mooning over a girl.  Called by the nickname 'Romeo'
    the PE teacher laid on him now, but he was walking on air
    and didn't care.  He good naturedly teased them back that
    they were all just jealous of his dancing technique, style,
    wit and handsome good looks.
    
    Suddenly the scene changed and that angel was pulling him in
    through her window, quietly laughing with him at the
    incredible fact he was there with her now.  She whispered
    over to him as he tripped into her bedroom.  "Shhh.  Frankie
    and Charlie are downstairs watching tv.  My parents aren't
    here."  Ray smiled.  "Then they won't mind if I dance with
    you."  They held each other close as they began a slow
    dance.  They loved moving like this with each other and she
    had become a remarkable dancer since that time so long ago
    when they first danced together.  But tonight he let her
    lead when he realized where it was she was taking him... her
    tentlike bed.
    
    They'd gone out tonight just as they had so many times
    before, but for a while now it had been in secret.  Before
    the incident with Marco he openly dated her and Frankie
    although jealous of the time he spent with his sister and
    not hanging out with him, seemed to be ok with it, even
    joked that maybe some day they'd be related.  It had been
    one of their childhood dreams that they'd always be tight
    friends and when Frankie took over the business from his
    father, Ray would be his right-hand man.  His dating Irene
    almost made them like family they thought.
    
    But after that tragic day with Marco, Frankie made it hard
    for Ray and Irene to keep seeing each other.  Actually Ray
    had ended it with Irene shortly thereafter telling her that
    he couldn't keep seeing her because he hated her brother so
    much for what he'd done.  She was devastated by this and
    moped around the house, not speaking to and glaring daggers
    at Frankie for days.  Frankie in his anger and feeling
    betrayed by Ray was thrilled to see his sister and his ex-
    friend finally apart, but at the same time he was saddened
    that he'd lost his best friend.  What Frankie didn't know
    was how much Ray and Irene loved each other, more than he
    could have realized and soon they were secretly seeing each
    other again. 
    
    Irene would tell her family she was going to a friend's or
    the library and Ray would rendezvous with her to whisk her
    off to the movies or rollerskating or whatever, in a part of
    the city or beyond it that their friend's and family didn't
    normally go.  Tonight it had been the movies, afterwards
    he'd parked his car a block from her house and walked her
    home or as close as he'd get to the house to see her get in
    safely.  Tonight though he had noticed her signalling him
    from her window.  He had told her earlier that evening that
    whenever he dropped her off he hated leaving her, he would
    watch to see her turn on her bedroom light, pull down the
    shades and every time he felt the urge to climb up to her
    bedroom window and whisk her away from that house never to
    return.  He was glad he told her, because she had definitely
    signalled to him that she wanted him up there.
    
    He was impassioned as he climbed up to be with her.  Now
    here he was in the danger zone dancing with her which
    somehow just thrilled him and heightened his senses more.
    As she danced him towards her bed he lost his balance when
    he backed up into it and ended up pulling down one of her
    bed curtains in the process to break their fall; she was
    falling with him quietly laughing in his mouth.  Now on the
    bed, somehow she stayed in his arms and the beauty of her
    and the nearness of her made his heart beat faster, and his
    body was reacting to her's scantily clad in just a short
    light nightshirt.  Her silky lips barely broke free from his
    own the whole time he'd been here with her.  He'd seen her
    nipples pressing against the cotton and now could feel them
    on his bare chest, when she removed his shirt from him and
    held him close.  Knowing from the striptease signal she'd
    given him in front of her window that she wasn't wearing any
    underwear under the nightshirt, he let his hands wander down
    from her waist to work their way underneath the shirt to
    touch the smooth skin of her ass.  From there moving to the
    front of her as they fondled her breasts, breaking their
    kiss he slid the garment over her head and his mouth now  
    caressed her there.  The sensational feel, the sweet
    smell and taste of her filled him.  Her hands hadn't been
    idle as she too explored him, sending shivers of pleasure
    through his entire body, especially when she freed his
    erection, her hands brushing him teasingly there, causing
    him to moan.  It wasn't long before they had finished
    undressing and began making inexperienced yet passionate
    love to each other for the first time.
    
    The scene wavered and he was an adult now, approaching an
    angelic vision of an adult Irene as he entered a beautiful
    home in the suburbs somewhere.  She was smiling welcoming
    him home and into her warm embrace.  Their lips met and he
    kissed her thoroughly.  When they pulled away, she was
    holding his hand and leading him further into the house,
    asking him how his day went and she was telling him about
    her's and their kids, who he could hear playing in a room
    close by.  The dream scene was too short and began to
    waver...
    
    Ray let out a muffled cry in his sleep.  Then his eyes saw
    his bedroom again and himself alone there.  From behind him
    he heard the voice of an angel.  "Oooh, I like it when you
    dream about me.  Those are some of my favorites you were
    just having.  I always home in on you so much easier when
    you dream about me." He was afraid to turn around and not
    see her there.  In his desire for her he forced himself to
    turn his head and she was there smiling lovingly at him.
    "Oh god Irene I miss you."
    
    She moved to sit or actually it was like a hovering sitting
    on the edge of his bed.  He reached out to touch her hoping
    to connect with the soft flesh he'd touched so many times
    before.  Instead his hand just passed through her own.  She
    gave him a sad sympathetic smile. "I wish I could touch you
    too Ray.  I'm sorry.  This is the best I can do."  When she
    said the last part he could feel a cold drafty tingling on
    his hand as she placed it just barely on top of his.  "I
    can't stay long.  I've already stayed longer than I can.
    Promise me you'll always remember me and never forget that I
    love you."  Ray's eyes gazed deeply and longingly into ghostly one's.
    "I'll always remember.  I love you too."  With that the
    draft at his hand was no more and the angel was gone...
    
    His alarm sounded rousing Ray from sleep.  He awoke smiling
    and reviewing the pieces of the pleasant memories and
    fantasies the dreams he'd just had evoked.  He relegated his
    ghostly visit by Irene to, *It must have been part of the
    dreams.  Even when she was alive she was like a dream to
    me.*  He shivered and had a 'ghost of a feeling' when a cool
    draft brushed lightly at his hand.
    
    GHOST OF A FEELING (see 'Juliet Is Bleeding' to hear this
    song)
    
    EVERY TIME THE NIGHT COMES IN
    I FEEL THE WEIGHT OF WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
    AND I SEE YOUR FACE HOVERING BEFORE MY EYES
    THROUGH EMPTY ROOMS I WALK ALONE
    ECHOES THAT ARE NOT MY OWN
    I HEAR YOUR VOICE AND ITS CALLING (CALLIN' ME)
    SEE YOUR SHADOW'S ON THE WALL
    AND WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
    I CAN'T ALWAYS TOUCH YOU
    
    GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME,
    I'M NEVER FREE FROM THIS
    GHOST OF A FEELIN',
    AND I SAY 'STAY WITH ME BABY,
    OH YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO."
    BUT ITS JUST A GHOST,
    A GHOST OF A FEELIN'
    
    AWAKENED BY YOUR CRYIN' ROOM(?)
    I FIND YOUR LIPS ON MINE AGAIN
    AND I HEAR MY HEART
    AND ITS POUNDIN' (SLOW DOWN)
    I COVER MY EARS
    BUT I CAN'T SHUT THE SOUND OUT
    WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
    I CAN'T JUST ESCAPE YOU
    
    GHOST OF A FEELING, HARDEN ME,
    I CAN NEVER RUN FROM THIS
    GHOST OF A FEELIN',
    A GHOST OF A FEELIN',
    IT NEVER DISAPPEARS
    OH AND IT FEELS SO REAL
    
    BUT ITS A GHOST, A GHOST OF A FEELING
    ITS JUST A GHOST OF A FEELING  
    
    ***** EPILOGUE'S EPILOGUE *****
    
    Frank Zuko sat alone - he was alone - the most alone he'd
    ever been, even if there had been someone in the dark room
    with him.  The excuse for a life he'd once had was gone now.
    His father's legacy was crumbling before his eyes and he
    didn't care.  He realized now, that although he'd tried so
    hard to be like his father, he'd never really wanted to be
    him or like him, that role was thrust on him at an early age
    and he knew that his father had been right - he was weak, he
    was a coward - and now he had the proof that he'd shamed the
    family.  He'd lost face in front of his 'business'
    associates, Charlie had abandoned him, claiming he was
    retired and wanted nothing more to do with him.  Frank's
    wife and daughter had left him and were somewhere in
    Florida.   His sister Irene was dead by his hand.   Ray
    hated him more than ever now.  He'd laughed bitterly to
    himself, when he got to this part of the cataloguing family
    and so-called 'friends'. *Why do I always care what Ray
    thinks?*
    
    He'd tried sleeping, but that got him nowhere.  He hadn't
    been able to sleep much since the tragic incident when he'd
    shot and killed his sister Irene.  The hell of it was
    branded into his mind and would replay itself over and over
    again.  He hated Vecchio for what he'd done to him, not just
    for being there that night to take his sister away, but for
    making him love him.  Frankie couldn't remember when it had
    happened, if it had been that first time Ray had befriended
    a lonely, scared 11 year old playing hoops by himself in the
    schoolyard or the time Ray had comforted him that one night
    after he'd received one of the worst beatings he'd ever
    gotten from his father.
    
    Frankie had known at a very young age what his father's
    'business' was, and had been a witness to some things that
    children, and adults too, shouldn't have to see.  He had
    also known for as long as he could remember that he was
    expected to follow in those awfully large, powerful and
    frightening footsteps.  When his father didn't remind him of
    that fact, Charlie made sure to do so.  Sometimes he
    wondered what his life would have been like if he hadn't
    been born the son of a mafia boss.  He used to imagine that
    he'd have become a corporate lawyer, his ivy league masters
    degrees in business and business law would have led him
    there, instead of just benefitting his father and himself
    when he graduated and joined the family 'business' full
    time.
    
    He remembered back to when he was 11 years old and just
    moved into the neighborhood.  In his last school no one had
    truly been his friend, mostly because they all knew who his
    father was and were afraid of him.  He'd tried so hard to
    show he wasn't a monster too, but they still wouldn't have
    anything to do with him, unless he made them.  In his new
    school the same thing was happening all over again.  But
    this time he'd gotten lucky and found someone who actually
    enjoyed being with him for who he was, not who his father
    was. Ray had just been his friend - his soulmate - Ray
    understood and knew what it was like to have an asshole for
    a father.  Frankie had realized a short time after their
    initial meeting, that Ray didn't have any idea who Frankie
    was in connection to the neighborhood and he liked that.
    That just endeared Ray to him more, because he felt he'd
    gotten a friend for who he was not who he was supposed to
    be.  It wasn't too much later though that he found out, but
    it didn't change anything between them, Ray stuck by him and
    treated him as he'd always done before.
    
    Frankie was so tired, his eyes drifted shut... He was 13
    years old again and shaking uncontrollably in fear as his
    father's fist again connected with his jaw.  "Frankie I
    can't believe you're my son.  You're weak, disobedient and a
    coward.  Your behavior at dinner was definitely
    unacceptable.  Don't ever, EVER, ignore my will and follow
    another's again.  *Especially* in front of my associates.
    By doing so you shame me and the family."  The rest of the
    lecture was physical rather than verbal after that.
    
    When his father had finally left a terrified and brutally
    battered Frankie to cower in the corner of his room, there
    was just the sound of quiet sobbing left to be heard now.
    No one in the house was coming to make sure he was alright.
    They were all afraid of his father too and Frankie felt so
    terribly alone and in pain both emotionally and physically.
    
    The room was dark except for the moonlight streaming in
    through his open window.  He could feel someone's hand on
    his arm.  In a panic he thought it was his father again as
    he quickly tried to strangle his crying which wouldn't stop
    - his father had beaten him one other time for crying and
    told him that if he were to be an effective leader of the
    family 'business' some day there was no room for tears or
    compassion.  Frankie backed away flinching, waiting for
    another blow for not minding that other lesson.  When the
    blow didn't come and he heard the soft concerned voice of
    his friend trying to talk with him he had been so relieved.
    Ray sometimes snuck in through his window to visit with him,
    he must not have heard him creep in.  "Frankie talk to me
    buddy.  Come on.  What happened?  Are you ok?  Frankie?" 
    
    Ray turned on a light on the bedstand and when he approached
    Frankie again he couldn't help but take a sharp intake of
    breath at the sight of his beaten and bloodied friend.  He
    sat down next to him and lightly placed an arm around his
    shoulders.  "Oh god Frankie.  Did he do this to you?  That
    bastard.  I want to kill him."  Frankie quietly slurred
    through split, bloody and swollen lips. "Stand in line."
    
    Ray got up and went into the bathroom attached to Frankie's
    room and came back quickly with towels and a first aid kit
    to help clean and patch up his friend.  Frankie let him
    nurse him, surprised at how gentle and compassionate his
    friend could be as he wiped the blood from his face, dabbed
    antiseptic - which hurt like hell - on the open cuts on his
    face and lips and removed his bloody shirt from him.  Ray
    winced at the bruising that was deepening on his friend's
    chest and abdomen, especially when he saw an extremely nasty
    one, that when he touched it made Frankie gasp out in
    excruciating pain and had him in tears again.  Ray, although
    he'd barely touched him there, thought it was his fault that
    his friend was sobbing again and was beside himself as to
    what to do.  He knew Frankie needed medical attention,
    probably had a broken rib or something.  He instinctively
    just reached out and gently embraced Frankie, softly
    whispering and soothing, "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I
    didn't mean to hurt you.  Its ok.  Its gonna be ok."...
    
    The dream changed and he was laughing with Ray over some
    adventure or another they'd just had, as they approached the
    house.  Frankie stopped laughing when he saw his sister at
    the top of the front steps smiling over at them.  She came
    running over to claim Ray from her brother as usual and
    Frankie felt bereft and jealous when Ray's attention turned
    immediately to her.  She had Ray's hand in her's and was
    pulling him away.  Frankie wanted so badly to grab Ray's
    other hand and pull him his way, it would be appropriate he
    thought because that's what was happening now - he was in a
    mental tug-of-war with Irene, competing for Ray's attention
    and affection.  Ray was 'his' friend and she was taking him
    away from him.  Outwardly he pretended that it didn't hurt
    to see them together like this and plastered on a phony
    smile when they kissed in front of him as if they hadn't
    seen each other in months rather than just a couple of hours
    after school.  Seething inside he made some lame excuse they
    probably didn't hear anyway and left their nauseating
    presence.  As he passed by them, he wished he were in
    Irene's place right now and the thought disturbed him.  He
    wasn't supposed to feel this way... if his father even had
    an inkling of this thought of his in regards to Ray, he'd
    never make it to his next birthday.
    
    The dreams wouldn't leave him alone... Now he was reliving
    that fateful day he and Ray had ended their friendship.  A
    day that hurt them both more than Ray would ever realize.
    Frankie had been getting more and more jealous of Ray's
    spending time with Irene and not as much with
    him.  The only time he ever really got to have 
    Ray to himself away from Irene was when
    they played basketball.  Ray had been drifting from him
    lately in other ways besides his dating Irene.  They were
    growing in different directions it seemed and the dream they
    once shared of his taking over his father's 'business' and
    Ray being his right-hand was starting to tarnish.  It
    worried him and he knew he would have to test his friend's
    loyalty to him soon.
    
    The opportunity presented itself one afternoon after an
    abyssmal game of basketball.  Frankie had lost some money on
    the game due to a flunky acquaintance of Ray's named Marco.
    Ray had always complained to Frankie that Marco was the
    extra shadow that seemed to follow him everywhere, no matter
    how much he tried to shake him loose.  Frankie was angry
    enough at the loss of the game and the money - he hated to
    lose; angry enough at the strengthening relationship between
    Ray and Irene - he hated this feeling of jealousy and desire
    for another of his own sex; angry enough that Ray was slowly
    drifting away from him - he needed to reaffirm his faith
    that Ray would stick by him no matter what; that before he
    even realized what he was doing he signalled Vito and Jimmy
    "Roastbeef" to hold Marco down and began to pulverize him.
    
    He couldn't stop himself, the anger and violence within him
    once released was out of his control.  *His father was right
    there was no room for tears and compassion* he remembered
    thinking as he continued his grizzly game.  He hadn't been
    paying attention to Ray's reaction to this once he started.
    When he finally let up on his victim he threw the ball to
    Ray to finish the game.  What he saw was a face that used to
    look on him with friendship and camaraderie now staring at a
    bloody ball in shock, then turning those beautiful
    expressive eyes to stare at him with fear, disgust and
    loathing.  
    
    He'd had little to do with Ray after that.  They avoided
    each other as much as possible.  Frankie had learned to
    harden himself with this incident, throwing himself more
    into the role he was expected to play after that.  His
    father had noticed the change in him and actually seemed
    pleased at this.  Frankie was glad to see that although the
    basketball incident with Marco had split up his and Ray's
    friendship it had the added benefit of causing a split
    between Ray and Irene as well.  That ought to hurt Ray just
    as bad as Ray had hurt him he figured...
    
    They'd gone a number of years without having had anything to
    do with each other.  Frankie had gone east to an ivy league
    college for a few years.  He knew Ray had become a cop in
    that time.  Frankie fooled himself into thinking that his
    keeping discreet tabs on Ray was for necessary information,
    especially later when Ray would nose around too close to
    something illegal that Frankie, although his involvement was
    layered and made to look distant from it, had going on.  But
    these times never amounted to Ray making any connections
    with him until the shoemaker incident.
    
    His dream changed to another time almost a year ago...
    Frankie still wasn't sure of why he made it Ray's business
    to find the pesky shoemaker for him.  Perhaps it was seeing
    him again so close, yet unattainable, with that handsome
    mountie friend of his that sparked it.  His more recent
    reports of Ray had told of the mountie and his close
    friendship with Ray.  He had to admit to himself a certain
    envy of the mountie's relationship with him, which sounded
    like one Frankie once had and now missed.
    
    When Frankie had entered St Michael's he noticed, without
    showing he noticed, that Ray and his mountie friend Fraser
    had been in the church when he entered it.  He could
    recognize Ray's voice anywhere without turning around, as he
    talked and laughed with father Behan upstairs in the choir
    balcony.  He knew Ray hadn't noticed him there or maybe he
    had and was just trying not to pay attention that Frankie
    was there with a neighborhood business owner.  Frank had
    come here with the man for a private safe meeting to discuss
    the terms of a 'deal' the man had been unsatisfied with.
    When the shoemaker had stolen the money Frankie had placed
    in the poor box as he left the meeting and the mountie
    suddenly jumped down from the balcony in pursuit, that's
    when Frankie had decided to pursue his own game of yanking
    Ray's chain by pressing charges, thereby forcing Ray to find
    the shoemaker thief on his behalf.  The thought of forcing
    Ray to bend to his will, trapping him to work for him,
    really appealed to and amused him.
    
    Seeing Ray in his home again was a kick for Frankie and he
    played it up to the hilt, knowing that Ray would rather be
    anywhere else but in his home *helping* him.  He could see
    that his so-called friendly attitude and casual remarks like
    'We have a history." and "Your mother and sisters don't walk
    by that church?" had had the effect on Ray that he wanted.
    The comments had been a dig and reminder that they weren't
    strangers or from different worlds as Ray wanted to pretend
    they were; that at one time they had been as close as
    brothers and had shared a common dream of the same world.
    Having Ray's mountie friend there to witness the interplay
    between them was an added bonus, in that it made Ray feel
    uncomfortable that his connection to Frankie was being
    revealed.
    
    Frankie now recalled the events of the shoemaker incident
    further and remembered how far he was willing to go to hurt
    Ray.  The mountie was a puzzle and a nuisance to him.  He
    didn't behave like all the other cops Frankie had ever come
    across, he couldn't quite get a handle on what motivated
    Fraser or what his agenda was.  When he ordered Charlie to
    deliver a message to Fraser with a beating and then death,
    he'd done it as a last resort measure, because the mountie
    was too clever, getting too close and hard for Frankie to
    predict and manipulate.  Fraser's death would also have the
    added benefit of hurting Ray deeply.  Ray would be allowed
    to survive, he could be beaten up if he interfered, but his
    standing orders were not to kill him.  Those orders almost
    changed the night Ray came to the gym to play their most
    brutal 'one-on-one' game ever.  Ray had come to make a
    'deal' with him and release his anger at the Marco incident
    which had happened so many years earlier.
    
    Frankie smiled in his sleep picturing Ray coming into the
    gym; he'd been so brave, fiery, passionate and every bit as
    he remembered him from when they were kids.  It surprised
    him how turned on he was by Ray's raw barely controlled
    emotion when he first entered.  He wanted him so badly then
    and stupidly was willing to send his men away to be alone
    with him.  When the beating began, he couldn't believe at
    first that Ray was doing this to him.  Ray who had hated
    Frankie's father for doing this same thing to him and had
    wanted to kill him for it.  Ray's face and fists became
    those of his father, but this time after the beating there
    would be no Ray to comfort him.  He'd fearfully given in to
    Ray's demand to leave the shoemaker alone.  Angry at Ray for
    treating him like his father had treated him, he'd found the
    courage to send Ray out of the gym with a threat on his life
    'I didn't say anything about your bein' safe.'  He hadn't
    gotten the response he'd expected, that being a response of
    fear for his life, instead it was a brave, self-assured sounding 'I didn't
    ask for that.'  Ray had won that round of 'one-on-
    one' and Frankie was left again with the confusion of how he
    could love and hate this man at the same time.  He was at
    war with himself at wanting to retaliate and in the end came
    to the realization that Ray wouldn't have to fear death by
    his hand.  The memories of a young boy that still resided
    within himself, had been strong enough to keep Ray safe from
    that extreme for now...
    
    However, that was to change with the events that interrupted
    his dreams now.  This scene came to him every time he fell
    asleep, it would replay itself and haunt him.  Frankie had
    been wrongly accused of planting a bomb in Ray's car, which
    ended up killing a friend and coworker of Ray's in the
    process.  The evidence that pointed to Zuko's involvement
    was too ludicrous to believe and Frankie wasn't that sloppy
    when it came to his ordering a person's death, especially in
    this case a death that he didn't want to happen.  He had
    always just wanted to hurt Ray for leaving him, not kill
    him.
    
    At the birthday party it had disgusted him when Ray and
    Irene blatantly and openly picked up where they left off in
    their relationship.  It was a nightmare to see them dancing
    and then kissing in his presence, at his party, in front of
    everyone - his friends, family and associates.  The feelings
    of jealousy and anger at their 'love' dug into him worse
    than any dagger ever could.  Ray had managed to hurt him
    more with this display and taking up again with Irene than
    the beating he had given him in the gym a number of months
    earlier.
    
    Later came the frame-up by his own men to make it look like
    he'd been the one to blow up Ray's car and cause the death
    of that other cop.  Frankie's world was unravelling and he
    tried so hard to patch it up, amazingly the mountie was the
    only one trying to help him.  Not that he wasn't grateful to
    Fraser, but it pleased him when he realized that the mountie
    had hurt his friendship with Ray by doing so.
    
    Now came the dream scene that haunted him daily.  Not even
    his father's angry voice echoing "no room for tears or
    compassion" was working.  When he'd seen Irene leaving the
    house to go to her 'lover' he was incensed.  If he was
    denied Ray, then never would he allow his sister to have
    him.  When Ray unbelievably ran into the house to retrieve
    her and run off, he found that he'd been pushed to his
    limits and before he knew it, he had a gun pointed at
    someone who angered and frustrated him, but he never wanted
    dead.  He still was having a hard time reconciling what
    happened next.  The pain of seeing Ray and Irene together at
    the top of the stairs; chaos as someone ran at him from
    behind; the gun going off and the return fire; then Ray's
    anguished heartbroken cry as he carried a dying Irene
    quickly out of the house.  The bullet that was killing her
    was taking Frankie's life along with it.  Ray's tortured
    face and cry had forced him to see the depth of Ray's love
    for Irene, and in that moment he examined inside himself the
    depth of his love for Ray.  What he saw in there overwhelmed
    and berated him for the amount of pain he'd caused.
    Inside was a well of 'tears and compassion' come too late.
    It had been building up secretly for years, overflowing its
    edges - drowning him.
    
    Two days ago Huey had told Ray about Frank Zuko's suicide.
    Ray thought he'd be happy that he was dead, but there was a
    part of him - the still lingering memories of a young boy -
    that felt sympathy for that sad pathetic man, who had once
    been his friend.  It didn't last long though when he
    remembered a brutalized Marco, a beaten up Fraser and
    especially Irene's dying body in his arms.
    
    He was sifting through his mail on the desk, when he came
    across a plain white envelope with no return address.  He
    opened the letter and found a small slip of paper inside:
    
    Dear Ray,
    
    I'm sorry.
    
    Love Frankie
    
    Ray felt as if his throat was closing as he swallowed hard
    at the lump that had formed there, but within a few seconds
    he had the paper balled up in his hand.  The words, *Two
    points*, came unbidden to his mind as he watched it arc and
    land smoothly in the circular waste-basket by his desk.
    
    Ray was the lucky one - he was just at the top of the stairs
    of the basement with his hand on the doorknob opening the
    door to get out, however, Frankie had retreated as deep as
    you could go in the basement of the soul.  
    
    THE END
    
    


End file.
